What this?

This page is here to give you a little insight in the chaotic mess that is my mind. It's always a little scary letting people know what's going on in our twisted little brains. I feel that everyone has a few thoughts that they wouldn't want the rest of the world to know about. Maybe it's just a simple, "Wow, I wonder what he/she looks like naked?" Maybe (probably) more? (Yes, I said "naked", and if that's a problem, do us both a favor and just stop reading now. It's not going to get any better, and it probably will get worse.) Maybe I'm alone, but I don't think so. I'd be willing to bet most people are thinking a little more than that...

In any event, I intend to use this page as a bit of an outlet for a few of my thoughts that I might usually keep bottled up. At this point I really don't know how far this page will go, but if you'd like to get to know me better, I encourage you to read on. Judge me as you will.

Timing, Hesitation, and Living life without regret

Timing is everything.
Hesitation is a missed opportunity.

Actually, a book that I read stated "Hesitation is death", but I thought that was a bit extreme. This concept first came to me years ago in my martial arts training. Of course the "Hesitation is death" statement rings a little more true when thinking in terms of life or death fight, but I'm getting off topic.

Experiences, recent and long past, have shown that this applies to everything in life. It can easily be applied to career opportunities, relationships, investments.... relationships.... yeah, relationships. Did I mention relationships? I'll give you one guess on what prompted this section.

Anyway, one of my biggest fears in life, is regret. To date, I believe that I've always made the best decision with the information available to me at the time. Would I have made different decisions if more information was available? Of course! However, at the time, more information was not available, so why worry about what could have been?

Exaggerated, but not impossible example:
Let's say you're running late for the bus. You hurry so that you get to the stop on time. (Immediate good thing.) You get on the bus and 20 minutes later, that bus is in a serious accident. (Unforeseeable bad thing.)

Some would see this in a depressing light, but I think it's actually quite liberating. Are we screwed no matter what we do? Maybe. The future is an adventure into the great unknown, but you do have one choice. You can cower in a corner fearing what hand fate may deal you, or accept life as it is and have little fun along the way. If you take shot, and miss, what happens? You'll never know unless you try.

I make bad decisions all the time. I probably should hesitate and reconsider my current course of action a little longer, and unfortunately, hesitation is sometimes required to get timing right. But I'd rather follow my instinct and intellect to reach for an opportunity than wonder what might have happened if I acted a little sooner.


I wrote this years ago. I don't want to say that I feel the same now, but I like to think that it is well written (at least for me) and was a complete capture of my thoughts at the time. I hope you enjoy it.

Something Not Real (11/8/2001)

And the music has stopped.
The magic is gone.
It took so long to realize
I've been alone all along.

Alone with the pain,
That only I feel,
Searching for something,
That might not be real.

Do we get stronger or weaker
With the passing of time?
Sometimes I'm scared to think
of what happened and why.

The fire of passion
Ignites between souls.
How do we know
To trust or let go?

And so I made my choice.
You didn't seem to agree.
So I guess I must find another,
Since it wasn't meant to be.

I know I want love.
I'm not sure if it matters who.
All I know is at night,
I still think of you.

Do we get stronger or weaker
With the passing of time?
I know my heart grows colder.
Maybe you understand why.

And the music has stopped.
The magic is gone.
It took so long to realize
I've been alone all along.

Alone with the pain,
That only I feel,
Searching for something,
Something not real.

These next few fragments also were written long ago, and it actually looks like I strung it together into a sorta poem... I had actually intended to post it/them to the web years ago, but it never happened. This is most likely because it was never really finished, but they are still questions that I return to from time to time.

Untitled Ramblings... (sometime in 2001 or 2002)

How should I deal with the world
when I don't agree?

Is there another choice
outside of Break or Bend or Bend or Break?

Should I fight for what I believe
even though the truth can never be seen?

Am I a good person?

Who am I? Who was I?
Who do I want to be?

And what do I have to do
to get myself there?

Does any of it matter?

In the end we all have the same fate...

Don't we?

Maybe the truth is out there
but it is not known to me.

And now for something completely different...

Now that everyone has been exposed to my more... whatever that was side, I think it's time to lighten it up a bit. Be warned... The following links are NSFW (Not Suitable For Work). I think this is absolutely awesome: The Sun - Romantic Death. Footage is taken from Beautiful Agony, which is even better.

Is it porn? Not quite..., but it's definitely hot. While you won't see my face there any time soon, I'm just amazed by this site. Why? That's hard to say. If you read their "About" page, it seems like they are only interested in the real thing, and I guess that honestly is a large part of the appeal.

I was afraid to post my thoughts on the topic here (where friends and co-workers will likely see). I couldn't imagine what it would take to send a video of my "O" face to the world. For that alone, I have a lot of respect/admiration for each one of those people.

Another Experiment

If you are still reading at this point, then I guess there's nothing left but to invite you to my blog and photo gallery. The blog may just be another fad of mine, but I always wanted to keep something like a journal. Why not share it too, right?